My client is crying, feeling so overwhelmed and so wanting to do it all perfectly. She tells me her mom is being too judgmental and she needs a break from her. I listen and nod, affirm her efforts (she really is doing so great!) and go back to the kitchen to fill her water. There I find her mom, venting about how frustrated she is that her daughter isn’t listening to her. She is so passionate about helping her daughter breastfeed, and knows that she needs to offer the baby the breast on demand in order to have the best success. She isn’t wrong, but her daughter wants a break every hour or so as she is so frustrated. I listen and affirm grandma, both in her sentiments and in her care for her daughter. She is giving so much.
Day 4
My client is in bed (yay!) and trying to breastfeed. Her mama is in the kitchen (double yay!) making food and keeping everything running in the home. I go back and forth between the bedroom trying to help baby latch and calm mama (because DAY 4). I find myself hearing different perspectives in each room I enter.
I head back to the bedroom, water in hand, and hear the mom further explain the shame she is feeling. She wants her mama to be proud of her, not tell her how to do it differently. She needs food, but she doesn’t want a plate of guilt served up alongside. I sit on the bed, listen and validate her concerns. We need hydrogels after breastfeeding, so I head back to the kitchen to get them out of the fridge, now hearing her mom tell me how I HAVE to tell her daughter that she needs to nurse more often.
I pause, and ask Grandma a question, “How was breastfeeding for you?” Her story unfolds and she informs me how she struggled with milk supply and couldn’t breastfeed past 3 months, shy of the goal she set for the first year. When she is done telling her story she takes a deep breath, and says, “Isn’t my daughter amazing though? She’s working so hard.” This is the spot she can enter her daughter’s world and leave the guilt and shame behind. All it took was my curiosity and a little listening.
Keeper of stories
You probably find yourself the keeper of stories often as a doula or educator. We provide a space for parents to vent, find affirmation and validation, and to get encouragement to help them achieve their goals. Where does this intersect with supporting grandparents, who aren’t our main focus? A couple things have changed my perspective on supporting grandparents, one I learned as a doula, and one I learned as a grandma (my first grandbaby was born in 2023!).
Staying curious
While many complain about working with grandparents as they can pose so many challenges, I learned early on that in order to get their best support, they need to tell their stories first. They often struggle with being able to take in the experience of being a new grandparent and support new parents, but they can fall into it so naturally once they have had someone to listen to their story. So now I ask them proactively:
- What was birth (or feeding) like for you?
- Who cared for you as you were recovering?
- What do you remember about having a baby?
- What was important to you when your baby was born?
And then I stay curious, listen, and affirm whatever they say. And inevitably they say,
- But isn’t my child a great parent?
- Aren’t they beautiful?
- Isn’t my grandbaby perfect?
And now we are all on the same team. With the grandparents more regulated from having their feelings or stories affirmed, we can support these parents with a circle of gentleness. So don’t be afraid to ask. It might be the best tool to disengage from the power struggle that grandparents and parents can find themselves in, especially when it is the first grandbaby, and the new parents still feel like children to them.
A postpartum period for grandparents?
While no there is no argument that grandparents aren’t “postpartum”, as they don’t encounter a pregnancy, birth, massive hormone drop, or recovery, there is a transition that I didn’t see until I walked through this myself. Stepping into a new role of a grandparent carries a fair amount of pressure. You want to help your grown kids. You want to meet and snuggle your grandbaby. You want to be supportive and wise. And you don’t want to upset them–which feels impossible at times because they are so sensitive (and understandably so).
Having the differences highlighted in the way we raised our kids vs. modern approaches can create guilt and shame in us. It can feel like rejection, and there is a new fear for grandparents that they won’t have access to the family as going “no contact” has become more popularized. I personally underestimated the impact of this. It created fear and hesitation. I needed to do a lot of work on my own to stay regulated during this process. Thankfully I have built resources for support, and I dipped into that to help stay focused on what was most important; my grown kids and their ability to care for their new baby.
As doulas and educators, working with grandparents can be so rewarding! Stay curious, be the story keeper, and know the grandparents are scared that they will do something wrong too–just like new parents!